Things I never knew: Blogger drives me insane.
So I'm going to be blogging over at wordpress. You know. A place that won't log me out of my email whenever I sign in.
http://thoughtsonblank.wordpress.com/
Monday, June 28, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
...running
I like running. Except for the fact that I hate running. But I like it.
So I have gone for a couple runs here. I'd run in Acadia plenty of times, and that's pretty easy. I know Acadia, I know that I can get "lost" on the trails and not really be lost.
Here? Not so much.
I tried to go on a little exploratory run of the neighborhood. My thought process went sort of like this. "Oh, I will go to Blackhouse! Oh... Blackhouse doesn't really have trails. Well, ok, I'll go run by the river! Oh, you can't, there's no trail. Hrm, ok, I'll just jog down Main street! La di da... CRAP those clouds are dark!" And then it started with thunder and lightening before I got home.
I tried to map my route on Google Maps. this is what I came up with.
So I have gone for a couple runs here. I'd run in Acadia plenty of times, and that's pretty easy. I know Acadia, I know that I can get "lost" on the trails and not really be lost.
Here? Not so much.
I tried to go on a little exploratory run of the neighborhood. My thought process went sort of like this. "Oh, I will go to Blackhouse! Oh... Blackhouse doesn't really have trails. Well, ok, I'll go run by the river! Oh, you can't, there's no trail. Hrm, ok, I'll just jog down Main street! La di da... CRAP those clouds are dark!" And then it started with thunder and lightening before I got home.
I tried to map my route on Google Maps. this is what I came up with.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
...careers
"So, what are you doing after you graduate?"
"Congratulations! What's next in life?"
"What are you doing after graduation?"
I DON'T KNOW.
I have a job. I have had a steady job for 6 months that pays the bills and I love the kiddos I work with. But I know that it's just a job until I figure out what I really want to do. The thing is that I have no idea what I want to be. Even when I just sit and let myself dream about what I want to do in the future there is not one career that actually seems to fit me. I don't want to be a butcher, baker, candle stick maker, doctor, lawyer, sex toy designer, penguin tamer, janitor, teacher... nothing appeals. I don't want to work full time for LGBTQ rights, or full time with youth, I certainly don't want a cubicle.
So what would an amazing, fulfilling career entail for me?
In my ideal, mythical career that doesn't exist I'd want:
Tell me, folks, what is my future career?
"Congratulations! What's next in life?"
"What are you doing after graduation?"
I DON'T KNOW.
I have a job. I have had a steady job for 6 months that pays the bills and I love the kiddos I work with. But I know that it's just a job until I figure out what I really want to do. The thing is that I have no idea what I want to be. Even when I just sit and let myself dream about what I want to do in the future there is not one career that actually seems to fit me. I don't want to be a butcher, baker, candle stick maker, doctor, lawyer, sex toy designer, penguin tamer, janitor, teacher... nothing appeals. I don't want to work full time for LGBTQ rights, or full time with youth, I certainly don't want a cubicle.
So what would an amazing, fulfilling career entail for me?
In my ideal, mythical career that doesn't exist I'd want:
- To connect with people on a personal level
- To travel, at least some
- Not work work exclusively with LGBTQ populations, but to never have to hide, lie about, or be ashamed of my various identities
- To meet new and interesting people often
- To be able to share my ideas from the start
- To work collaboratively with others, not doing things alone all the time, but the ability to work on my own when I need/want to
- For this to be a career that is not totally geographically specific
- To be part of changing, for the better, a community
- To learn and grow and have a great time doing it
Tell me, folks, what is my future career?
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
...bullying
I did something stupid today.
Please forgive me.
I watched an episode of Dr. Phil.
I know, I know. I should know better. Stay with me.
somebody uploaded an episode of Dr. Phil about girl bullying. I decided to stick with it despite it being titled "Girl World."
It wasn't terrible. I mean, it was an episode of Dr. Phil. I have absolutely zero respect for the man and his opinions on childhood development. It wasn't a good episode, but I only wanted to punch him four or five times, so it was better than most.
One of the things that bugged me a lot was the examples they had of all the people who were bulled in middle/high school. They are all tall, conventionally beautiful, seemingly-straight women.
I was bullied mercilessly in middle school. People called me gay and fat and ugly and stupid and poor. People threatened me. I was tied to a tether ball poll. I cried every day of middle school, and these girls loved that they had that power over me. And obviously I am still pissed off by it. Recently one of the "ring leaders" of the bullying friended me on facebook and I sent her a message saying, simply, "why the hell would you want to be my friend?" I guess I'm not over it.
But as I was watching this show I kept thinking... "who is there representing me?" All the people who were up there, on this supposed representation of America and the bullying problem we have, was standing there in all of their 5'10" size 2 look-at-my-highlights glory. Where's the trans guy, the butch lesbian, the gay boy, the straight girl who everyone still thinks is a lesbian? Where are they? Where am I? Why are you all assuring her that she'll find a boyfriend who deserves her at some point? What if she doesn't want a boyfriend? What if she doesn't want to fit in?
LGBTQ bullying is hardly talked about outside of LGBTQ spaces. That needs to change if it's actually going to stop.
Please forgive me.
I watched an episode of Dr. Phil.
I know, I know. I should know better. Stay with me.
somebody uploaded an episode of Dr. Phil about girl bullying. I decided to stick with it despite it being titled "Girl World."
It wasn't terrible. I mean, it was an episode of Dr. Phil. I have absolutely zero respect for the man and his opinions on childhood development. It wasn't a good episode, but I only wanted to punch him four or five times, so it was better than most.
One of the things that bugged me a lot was the examples they had of all the people who were bulled in middle/high school. They are all tall, conventionally beautiful, seemingly-straight women.
I was bullied mercilessly in middle school. People called me gay and fat and ugly and stupid and poor. People threatened me. I was tied to a tether ball poll. I cried every day of middle school, and these girls loved that they had that power over me. And obviously I am still pissed off by it. Recently one of the "ring leaders" of the bullying friended me on facebook and I sent her a message saying, simply, "why the hell would you want to be my friend?" I guess I'm not over it.
But as I was watching this show I kept thinking... "who is there representing me?" All the people who were up there, on this supposed representation of America and the bullying problem we have, was standing there in all of their 5'10" size 2 look-at-my-highlights glory. Where's the trans guy, the butch lesbian, the gay boy, the straight girl who everyone still thinks is a lesbian? Where are they? Where am I? Why are you all assuring her that she'll find a boyfriend who deserves her at some point? What if she doesn't want a boyfriend? What if she doesn't want to fit in?
LGBTQ bullying is hardly talked about outside of LGBTQ spaces. That needs to change if it's actually going to stop.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
...being alone
For the first time in my life I have my very own apartment. Nobody else lives with me (except for two rats that I'm ratsitting for for awhile - they are very cute).
It's VERY odd. I'm finally applying every one of those green living tips I spent the last three years half-ignoring at COA. I've only spent three nights here, but it's already just so odd being alone. Just knowing that when I wake up there is no possibility that somebody else will be in the shower. That everything will be exactly how I left it. It's nice, no doubt, but very odd.
Granted, I'm not totally alone. I have lovely front neighbors I met yesterday who are letting me have free internet. And I have a friend or two in the area - non-COA folks who have some semblance of a sane life and don't go jetting off to some other state or country (or sometimes planet it seems) on a whim.
I've never been very good at just hanging out with people. At just kinda sitting around and not doing much with people. There are a couple folks I can do it with. Addams/Emily/Alli are three (really, they are one person) and my friend Dawn is another. I can just go to her house and sit for a looooong time (not that that thrills her, I'm sure, but whatever). Granted, when I'm there I have to deal with her yippy dog-like alien and the fact that she has decided I don't eat enough and therefore she has to feed me all the time. But I can deal with that because, hey, she's somebody nice to talk to. And she has a hot tub. And she *can* cook, which is nice.
So that's where I am at. I have an apartment. I have a couple of friends. I have internet. I sort of have my church. Slooooowly I'm building a life here.
It's VERY odd. I'm finally applying every one of those green living tips I spent the last three years half-ignoring at COA. I've only spent three nights here, but it's already just so odd being alone. Just knowing that when I wake up there is no possibility that somebody else will be in the shower. That everything will be exactly how I left it. It's nice, no doubt, but very odd.
Granted, I'm not totally alone. I have lovely front neighbors I met yesterday who are letting me have free internet. And I have a friend or two in the area - non-COA folks who have some semblance of a sane life and don't go jetting off to some other state or country (or sometimes planet it seems) on a whim.
I've never been very good at just hanging out with people. At just kinda sitting around and not doing much with people. There are a couple folks I can do it with. Addams/Emily/Alli are three (really, they are one person) and my friend Dawn is another. I can just go to her house and sit for a looooong time (not that that thrills her, I'm sure, but whatever). Granted, when I'm there I have to deal with her yippy dog-like alien and the fact that she has decided I don't eat enough and therefore she has to feed me all the time. But I can deal with that because, hey, she's somebody nice to talk to. And she has a hot tub. And she *can* cook, which is nice.
So that's where I am at. I have an apartment. I have a couple of friends. I have internet. I sort of have my church. Slooooowly I'm building a life here.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
...messageboards
I was an active member of a specific messageboard for a number of years. What board it is doesn't matter, though many of you reading probably know. The name doesn't matter.
It was the messageboard of a popular YA author, though it was really about young people (ok, young women) being empowered. The mission of the board was blatantly feminist though many of the members did not identify as such as it wasn't "cool" or they were somehow beyond that. But we were empowered, at least in that teeny, tiny part of the vast world wide web. Empowered to engage is discourse about politics and hypothetical questions about "sensitive" issues, and empowered to jump down the throat of anybody who we thought disagreed with us. Empowered to discuss cake, whether we should get our hair cut, and empowered to call people out on real, perceived, or invented bullshit.
That messageboard was really transformative for me, and it watched me grow up. It watched me move out of an abusive childhood, shed a lot of the stuff that came with that, and move on. It saw me through three colleges, four states, coming out as trans, learning to NOT shut up, and eventually it saw me outgrow the boundaries that were there. I was yearning for something more and bigger and it wasn't where I belonged any longer. I left a year and a couple months ago. As stupid as it sounds it was remarkably painful. I am so grateful that I left.
I left because the community there was incredibly progressive to my 16 year old self. As I became more progressive, more educated, more able to form my own opinions that were informed and true to myself it became less and less progressive. There were a few loud members who made it a point to tell others how they USED to be so "progressive" but then then grew up and became informed. They drove me crazy. There were a few members who were more than happy to throw other members' emotions and difficulties aside in order to make a point.
I left because of gender stuff. Because people there said some mighty insulting things regarding trans people and by that point I had learned that I did NOT have to sit around and take any bullshit. Heck, it was easy. Click the little red X. So I did.
But that's not to say that that community never had things to teach me. It did. I learned a lot. In a lot of ways they gave me the strength to learn to stand up for myself and say, "No. This is not what I need."
In a way it's really strange, even now, to be going through a big life change without that messageboard to kind of unravel it all on. It was a safe space for a long time. I kind of miss it.
It was the messageboard of a popular YA author, though it was really about young people (ok, young women) being empowered. The mission of the board was blatantly feminist though many of the members did not identify as such as it wasn't "cool" or they were somehow beyond that. But we were empowered, at least in that teeny, tiny part of the vast world wide web. Empowered to engage is discourse about politics and hypothetical questions about "sensitive" issues, and empowered to jump down the throat of anybody who we thought disagreed with us. Empowered to discuss cake, whether we should get our hair cut, and empowered to call people out on real, perceived, or invented bullshit.
That messageboard was really transformative for me, and it watched me grow up. It watched me move out of an abusive childhood, shed a lot of the stuff that came with that, and move on. It saw me through three colleges, four states, coming out as trans, learning to NOT shut up, and eventually it saw me outgrow the boundaries that were there. I was yearning for something more and bigger and it wasn't where I belonged any longer. I left a year and a couple months ago. As stupid as it sounds it was remarkably painful. I am so grateful that I left.
I left because the community there was incredibly progressive to my 16 year old self. As I became more progressive, more educated, more able to form my own opinions that were informed and true to myself it became less and less progressive. There were a few loud members who made it a point to tell others how they USED to be so "progressive" but then then grew up and became informed. They drove me crazy. There were a few members who were more than happy to throw other members' emotions and difficulties aside in order to make a point.
I left because of gender stuff. Because people there said some mighty insulting things regarding trans people and by that point I had learned that I did NOT have to sit around and take any bullshit. Heck, it was easy. Click the little red X. So I did.
But that's not to say that that community never had things to teach me. It did. I learned a lot. In a lot of ways they gave me the strength to learn to stand up for myself and say, "No. This is not what I need."
In a way it's really strange, even now, to be going through a big life change without that messageboard to kind of unravel it all on. It was a safe space for a long time. I kind of miss it.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
...teenagers
Dear Andrew,
Welcome to your post-college life, complete with your very own delinquent teenager. She'll arrive a few days post graduation with, possibly, some basic necessities like clothes. No guarantees. You will need to register her for classes, keep her out of trouble, feed her, and possibly even let her have a little fun. Any thoughts you had about a post graduation live that involved freedom, conferences, or dating? Not happening.
Congrats on that whole bachelors degree, btw. That's pretty cool.
Love,
Life
Welcome to your post-college life, complete with your very own delinquent teenager. She'll arrive a few days post graduation with, possibly, some basic necessities like clothes. No guarantees. You will need to register her for classes, keep her out of trouble, feed her, and possibly even let her have a little fun. Any thoughts you had about a post graduation live that involved freedom, conferences, or dating? Not happening.
Congrats on that whole bachelors degree, btw. That's pretty cool.
Love,
Life
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